Withwood Drabbles
by Wolfiarty
Summary: a collection of one-shots about the life of Withnail, Marwood and/or ocassionally the Doctors. The chapters are not related to each other.
1. The two Doctors

**The Eighths Doctor was running.** He was running as fast as his perfectly-fitting shoes carried him because he was chased by monsters. Again. How many times had he been fleeing from evil, bloodthirsty aliens in the last two weeks? He couldn´t tell. All that he knew was that he forgot where he had parked his Tardis. His Tardis which also contained his best friend and companion, Charley and one his future incarnations. Also an andoid version of his enemy, the Master.

So, you see, this ship was very important to the Doctor and if he didn´t find it now he would also probably die right on the spot.

While lost in his thoughts he hadn´t realised that the monster had trapped him in an alleyway. Oh damn.

He turned around to face a tall, worm-like creature of an undefined greenish colour, that looked like a mixture of a beetle and a killer snake.

Eyes wide open the Doctor stared at it and tried to remember how to fight this thing. Behind it he could see more approaching.

„Doctor, I can´t believe it! We lost him again!", Charlotte Pollard stood at the console and watched the screens with a worried expression on her face.

„He will cope.", the Doctor said and continued sipping his hot tea camly. „I don´t remember regenerating here."

„You know better than I do that this ALL wasn´t supposed to be happening in the first place! I think he put himself in danger again."

The Doctor stood up with a sigh, without putting his cup of tea aside. He approached the console and glanced at some of the controls. He hit a few buttons. „The old girl is complaining again", he concluded. „She doesn´t want to leave until he´s back."

„You wanted to leave?"

„I wanted to look for him with the help of the Tardis. Materializing beside him. But she seems to think we should wait for him right here."

„Seriously, that´s what YOU make of it!"

„Yes, and I am right most of the time."

„I´m worried", Charley mumbled and contiued checking the screens for a sign of her Doctor.

Shalka..Shalka...how did you fight these beasts again? The Doctors hearts were racing while he stared at the aliens.

„You will surrender now, so we can carry out our plan."

„No way! I won´t surrender to you, you scumbag big beetles!", he screamed, faking self-confidence as best as he could. But the creatures could probably smell his fear.

Suddenly they opened their mouths and started to let out a long, ear-shattering shrill scream.

And that was the point when the Doctor remembered what his future self had told him about the „Shalkas". He had to sing to get rid of them. He had to admit that he didn´t really want to sing right now but it was his only chance of survival.

He searched his head for a song and all he came up with was an old song about a city he had once landed in. He had went to a local bar and listened to the inhabitans.

„I wish I was back in Liverpool", he began singing in a calm but beautiful voice. „Liverpool town where I was born"

The Shalkas slowly backed away. It worked!

„Where there ain't no trees, no scented breeze  
No fields of waving corn  
But there's lots of girls with peroxide curls"

He smiled and raised his voice, encouraged by the monsters who ran away screeching in pain.  
„And the black-and-tan flows free  
Where there's six in a bed by the old pierhead  
And it's Liverpool town for me"

They were gone. Some of their heads had exploded, even. Remarkable!, he thought.

So...where was the Tardis again? Ah yes...somewhere else.

He sighed and spent the whole evening walking through the streets and looking for a blue box while humming a song happily.

Charley became more and more nervous the later it was.

She kept pacing around the console, asking the Doctor when they would go looking for his other self.

The older Doctor was mildly annoyed by her but he remained in his seat, reading a book about the dangers of time-travel. Every now and then he would burst out laughing, getting a very angry look by Charley.

After what felt like three days she finally decided to go outside and search herself. She wouldn´t let THAT Doctor tell her what to do!

She slammed the door and before the Time Lord could stand up and shout „Charley! Come back!", she was already running away from the ship.

Suddenly the Doctor heard a familiar voice in the distance. It was Charley! She was shouting his name.

„Charley! I´m right here!", he waved and spotted her a few roads across. The two of them ran towards each other and hugged tightly.

„Doctor, where have you been?!"

„Oh, fighting off monsters, saving the city, the usual stuff"

„And you forgot where you parked your Tardis, I supposes?"

„Um..."

„Oh, come on, you big idiot!", she took his hand and dragged him along with her, right away to where the ship was located.

Inside the other Doctor and the Master were sitting in front of each other in big armchairs, reading quietly.

They looked up when Charley and Eight entered the console room.

„I told you, he´s still alive.", said the Doctor and hid a faint smile while turning towards his book again.

„I had to sing!", the younger Time Lord exclaimed. „I met these monsters you told me of, the Shalkas. Nasty fellows."

„Oh, well then you must have messed with the time line again because I didn´t meet them when I was here last time."

The Master shook his head at these words and sighed loudly. „Doctor, you are unbelievable. It is a wonder that the Time Lords didn´t show up yet."

He followed Charley and Eight with his eyes as they ran off into a corridor, laughing and shook his head again. Stupid, silly Doctor.


	2. The Cactus

**On the other day Uncle Monty came to visit the boys**. Marwood didn´t know it and therefore he shot a look at Withnail that may have said „I hate you" more than anything else when he opened the door and the old man waddled in.

Marwood immediately went into the defensive and retreated into the bathroom, the only room that could be locked from inside. He didn´t know what was gooing on in the flat for the next hours, he just sat there on the cold floor, shivering in fear that Monty might brake down the door, writing stuff into his scrapbook.

When he finally dared to move out of the small room he walked up to Withnail.

„Where´ve you been? I was having a great time with Monty! He was really sad that he couldn´t say hello to you"

„I bet", Marwood muttered. „You bastard. Why didn´t you tell me?"

Withnail staggered off to get more wine. „Because .. BEcause .. I , um -", he couldn´t finish his setence as another bottle blocked his mouth. He gulped.  
„But look, Pete, what Monty gave me!"

He retrieved a big cactus from the mantlepiece and held it up in the air thriumphantly. „It´s a prick!"

„Oh for fuck´s sake Withnail, what do you want with a cactus? That also looks very much like cock..."

„Great, isn´t he? I call him … Jean-Paul"

He stroked Jean-Paul and poured some wine into the earth where he stood in.

Marwood shook his head, making his curls fluff around his face, and fell into the sofa.

He already hated that goddamn cactus. Jealous of a plant. What a life.

Withnail continued caressing his new friend and never stopped making jokes about its dick-shaped appearance. Marwood went to bed early that night, scribbled a few lines into his book and then lay down.


	3. The traffic cone

**There was a traffic cone in a small, crapped flat in Camden town**. How did it get there, you ask? Well, one day Withnail and Marwood were driving home from a party, drunk, giggling, not able to keep the vehicle straight on the road. It was dark, except for the flashing streetlights of London and it was raining. Withnail, who was driving, decided to take a shortcut through a backlane and before Marwood realised what his friend was doing, the car slid dangerously uncontrollable round a corner.

Suddenly Withnail hit the brakes without any warning and Marwood nearly got a heart attack.

„What the hell do you think you´re doing?"

The car came to a halt right in front of a lonely traffic cone that stood right in the middle of the road.  
„That fucker´s in the way.", the drunken driver growled and got out to examine the obstacle. „What is it doing here?"

„Maybe it´s there for a reason Withnail. Better leave it alone and take a different way home."

„NO!", Withnail took the cone and put it on his head. „I don´t let anything rule the road I take! This is my road I AM THE KING OF THIS ROAD!"

And with that, he turned around gracefully, facing Marwood who couldn´t help but laugh.

The rain was pouring down on the two mercilessly, but in their state they didn´t care. Marwood finally opened the door and went to Withnail and they danced together between the raindrops, kings in a city of smock and asphalt.

Until the police decided to come around and take a look at the troublemakers at four o´clock in the morning.

Withnail reacted immediately. He ran over to the car and jumped in, the traffic cone got stuck and he pulled it off his head and threw it onto the back seat. Marwood sat beside him already and as the policemen shouted, they started the car and raced off.

„That was close", gasped Marwood breathlessly.

Withnail didn´t respond. He lit himself a cigarette and took them surprisingly safe back to their flat.

They got out. No sign of the police. Good.

Marwood remembered something and retrieved the traffic cone from the backseat.

He held it up in the air and grinned.

Then the two drunks walked through the door, up the stairs and into the flat, where they arrived laughing and happy. They fell asleep almost instantly, Withnail right on the floor, between some old papers and dust and Marwood on the sofa, clutching the cone to his chest as he drifted into a blurry dream.


End file.
